I don’t want to eat…

Whenever I recollect my childhood memories, I always remember a jovial kid who used to crave a lot for food to the amazement of others. I was an enchanting boy who loved to eat every time and to the adoration of others, I was always nourished with a beautiful complexion, an average weight and in general, I looked so well-fed.

However, when you observe my current life, you’d ask yourself where the personification portrayed above disappeared to b’se am someone to whom the idea of having to eat is the last worry on my mind. The struggle with the self-inflicted starvation has always made me wish that humans didn’t need to eat to live (btw, why isn’t oxygen just enough for our survival?). Honestly, my eating disorder has gone out of hand and many times I even forget that I have to eat b’se my mind is always stuffed with lots of other things, so eating has become something far detached from me.

The intense study life to which I am used and the fact that am living alone are the foremost reasons to blame b’se first of all, no one is there to remind or encourage me to eat (I always need someone to prompt/alert me to eat!!). Not only that but I have no one to cook for me (I’ve always been excellent at cooking), while the markets, shops, and restaurants are very far away from my home (but I live in a big city!!), or I just feel too lazy for cooking.

Eventually, when I remember that I have to eat, that’s when it’s already late at night when hunger pangs start tormenting me but briefly. I can’t even figure out how I became the kind of person who doesn’t care about food but I believe this is due to the life evolution I’ve gone through ever since I started living alone. When I was still living with my family, eating was a daily activity with at least three meals a day and I really ate well b’se food was in plenty, there were people who cooked and dining with my family members was an enjoyable moment.

But now, other people have started noticing my reduced craving for food. Whenever I visit my friends and family, they always give me huge portions of food and they always insist that I finish it all while dismissing my pleas to have it reduced. Then it becomes a topic for discussion b’se they think that am just being arrogant and to them, especially my relatives back home, if you don’t finish all the food you’ve been given, it’s like you’ve insulted them and this is regarded as a form of disrespect.

I feel sad when I disappoint my people b’se of my feeding deficiencies and sometimes I look at the huge food I have left on the platter and then wish that I had it with me back in my apartment. I grew up in a culture where leaving food on a platter and taking it back is abominable and highly discouraged. Sometimes when I visit my family, I feel like skipping mealtimes as I don’t want to eat very little and leave a lot of food on the platter since they’ll view it as food wastage – which myself I don’t like to do.

Some have found the humorous side in my self-inflicted starvation with my Sister-in-law recently demanding to know if I am now ‘feeding like the Americans who always eat very little food’. My grandma even asked whether am on diet and if am trying to lose weight but I keep explaining them all that I have no appetite to eat which they fail to comprehend b’se they knew that in my childhood, I was ravenous. They also observe that I am now small or slim, and that am no longer looking jovial as I used to be.

Well, I understand their worry, but I am the most concerned b’se I know that lack of proper feeding has adverse effects on my body and mind. I want to avoid a stunted growth and sometimes I try to find something small to eat. But even when I encourage myself to eat, I only buy very little food b’se I don’t want to waste it so there’s actually no desire at all. Back in the days, I never imagined that at one point in the future, I’d deliberately go more than 48 hours without digesting something in my stomach!

Life is inconstant b’se even without eating for 3+ full days, still, I feel no urge to eat. Just imagine that I have to force myself to get hungry as if it’s a regulated feeling! Sometimes when others ask me why am not eating well, among the reasons I give them include food marts being far, it’s too late to eat, I just don’t want to, I have no cooking utensils, food is so pricey, or that I don’t know how to cook (they’re all lies). When I force myself to cook, I just cook carelessly and you’d be appalled at what I’ve cooked.

At times, I find pretty good excuses for not eating like concentrating on some important issues in life like academic studies. In addition, cooking consumes a lot of time and on average, we spend more than two hours a day in the kitchen so I think of this as time wastage. Besides, I always tend to give myself an excuse that food is expensive and then I discourage myself to spend a huge chunk of my little money on food, so I may just prefer to save it rather than spending it on something that won’t last long.

You’d even be amused at what kind of food I buy/eat! I tend to disregard the traditional ‘heavy’ food and instead opt for diets that have low nutritional value, typically produced in the form of packaged snacks needing little or no preparation. But as far as my life is concerned, I think am just fine with having less appetite to eat since am now used to this kind of life but still, I value the significance of eating responsibly b’se like a car, food is fuel to propel the human body and keep the soul alive. I don’t want to die prematurely due to starvation, so I’ll continue eating little by little just for the sake of living. 🙂

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